Archive for June 23, 2013
And Never The Twain Shall Meet
by John Weckerle
We now turn the baleful eye of New Mexico Central* to none other than the Mountain View Telegraph, the progenitors of lies, deceit, disease, and filth.** In their recent article “Organization lauds 1983 move to N.M.,” the Telegraph opens: “The American Society of Radiologic Technologists threw a grand opening and anniversary party last Friday to unveil its greatly expanded and renovated East MountainsTM © headquarters and to celebrate 30 years in the Land of Enchantment.” The article then goes on to describe the location as “…just west of Carnuel on Old Route 66.”
WHAT???
Ignoring the split infinitive in the first sentence, let us begin with the concept of “East Mountains.”TM © We at New Mexico Central have always taken issue with this moniker, given that the entire “East Mountain”TM © area is, in fact, wholly within the western half of the state. The term is essentially a geoegocentrism propagated by the schweinhunde in Albuquerque.*** However, since most of this area seems perfectly fine with accepting Albuquerque’s self-referential definition of the area to its east as the “East Mountains,”TM © we consider it worthwhile to examine the Telegraph’s description of this organization’s headquarters. The web site for the American Society of Radiologic Technicians (ASRT) lists its address as “15000 Central Ave. SE, Albuquerque, NM 87123-3909.” We performed the inevitable Google Maps search, of course, and found that a line drawn north-south intersects Albuquerque – well, to the north and the south.
There are few who would argue, we think, that any location that is not entirely east of Albuquerque is situated within the East Moutnains.TM ©
Armed with this information, we sought to consult with the appropriate authority on geographic descriptors within New Mexico to put the last nail into the lid of this one. After a protracted**** search, we were surprised to find out that…
We’re it.
That’s right: New Mexico Central is now the only Recognized Authority on the Application of Regional Descriptions in New Mexico, TM © and the first thing we’re doing is copyrighting/trademarking “East Mountain,” TM © and associated plurals, abbreviations and colloquialisms. Communities, businesses, and individuals who wish to describe themselves as being within the East MountainsTM © must contact us and request an application. Following the payment of the fee (which we will determine based on a variety of factors, including the balance in the community’s bank account), Senior Geographic Descriptor Correspondent Wilson will conduct an analysis and render an opinion. As should be expected, the application fee is non-refundable.
* We’re like Sauron. Only worse.
**Just kidding, Telegraph folks. We know you try to do (and generally succeed in doing) a good job at reporting in an environment in which it is increasingly difficult to practice anything that resembles journalism. This does not waive a reasonable expectation of accuracy, though; while we understand that the Telegraph has to do what they can to expand readership, expanding geography is another thing.
*** Just kidding, Albuquerque. We love ya. We’d love ya more if you’d bring in an Ethiopian restaurant, though. No kidding; that is some really great food. Plus, we’d like our own commuter rail system. Thank you.
**** As far as you know.